Each week Prof Bromfield and Dr Clattercut roll up their sleeves and plunge into the mail sacks that have arrived at the Royal Mythological Society's offices. (Dame Sepia wisely stays out of it.)
Dear gents
I’m not one for fancy words so I’ll come right to
point. I’m the gamekeeper for the Earl of Derby at his Whitley estate. Few days
back, there were a right exodus from the woods up by his coverts. Squirrels and
birds and mice and frogs, insects too, all come pouring out. You’d think whole
forest were aflame. And dead quiet after. I went on me own to take a look, none
of the beaters would stir an inch, and you’ve never heard the like of that
silence. Right in the heart of wood all the trees were down like skittles, and
in the midst were a great gigantic hand, knuckles like boulders and each nail
as big as a coal cellar door. Hairs on it like barbed wire. The old dog would
have nowt to do with it, no fool him.
It’s just the hand, like, no blood or bone showing.
You’d mark it clay but for the plain fact it’s warm flesh. And it lies there,
cupped with the palm down, but not limp like a dead ‘un. More like your own
hand if it were resting on the arm of a chair, now and then moving just a bit,
a twitch or a scratch.
Well, there’s no shooting to be done while it’s there.
No wildlife will come within a mile of it, you see, except for adders. And I
can’t think what it’d take to move the thing. Any notions?
Yours, Ben Gummer, Great Heck, Yorkshire
Dr Clattercut
replies: This is a curiosity indeed. From the scale of the
extremity, I think we can surmise it belongs to a giant, god or titan. It is
unfortunate, Mr Gummer, that you omit to say whether it is a right or left
hand. The god Tyr, of course, famously had his right hand bitten off by the
Fenris wolf, whereby the Old Norse word for the wrist was “wolf-joint”.
Prof Bromfield: It would be a bit chewed up in that case, wouldn’t it?
Not to mention that Fenris swallowed the hand, so you’d expect to see
industrial quantities of wolf poo around. As Mr Gummer specifically says the
wrist is clean of blood, I take it to be more in the nature of a supernatural
dismemberment. Didn’t the Egyptian god Set use magic to sunder Osiris’s body
into fourteen parts?
Dr Clattercut: But none of those parts, I think, would logically turn
up now in a wood in Yorkshire. More likely, I feel, the hand is a fragment of
one of the giants Gog and Magog, who were disjected by Brutus of Troy when he
founded Britain. This could also explain why snakes, which owe their allegiance
to older gods, are comfortable in the hand’s presence.
Prof Bromfield: As to the practicalities: it’s obviously too big to
get on a cart, even if Mr Gummer could induce the horses to approach it. So
what about tickling it with a feather. It’d take a bit of patience, but that
way it should be possible to get the hand to twitch and convulse enough to drag
itself out of the woods.
Dr Clattercut: And, always assuming it didn’t flick its tormentor
away, unless you would take the trouble to tickle it all the way to the sea
that would still only result in a giant hand blocking the road. Personally I’d
advise putting a fence around the woods and moving the coverts elsewhere. No
doubt it’s a bother, but it’s the lesser of two bothers.
FURTHER READING
- A Minotaur At The Savoy
- But That's A Detail by A J Alan
- The Collected Short Stories by Saki
- Fancies & Goodnights by John Collier
- Gods, Men & Ghosts by Lord Dunsany
- The October Country by Ray Bradbury
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